Yet Another Stargate Parody
by Chris7221
Summary: Join both Jacks, Daniel, and of course Sam in this action-packed parody of Stargate! Read as Daniel translates the untranslatable, Jack cracks jokes, and Sam nerds off! Some Jack/Sam. SPOILER WARNING: Stargate movie. PROBABLY ABANDONED.
1. Terrible Translations

Title: Yet Another Stargate Parody  
Occurs: Either 1994 or 1997 (pre-season 1)  
Spoilers: Stargate (movie)  
Description: Meet Colonel Jack O'Neill, Colonel Jack O'Neil, Daniel Jackson, Samantha Carter (!) and a bunch of random soldiers as they go to Abydos. Archeology and discovery included, as well as fight scenes, excessive shooting, and considerable laughs.

_Author's Notes:  
_This is my first parody of Stargate! I haven't actually seen Stargate in years so I'm working off Wikipedia mostly. The humour is in some ways similar to my Redwall parody Fight For Freedom. There will be huge spoilers for the movie and probably other parts of the series as well. Don't say I didn't warn you!

_1928, Egypt_

In the middle of the desert people were pulling up a big ring thing. Later it would be called a Stargate, but for now it's a ring thing. Then one Egyptian guy got a sliver in his hand. He screamed and dropped to the sand in pain. The ring thing fell over and crushed what would later be called a DHD. This affects continuity though, or it will. Oh well. We couldn't have known without a time machine.

* * *

_Present Day (either 1994 or 1997)_

Daniel Jackson was the dumbest, most worthless archaeologist/Egyptologist in the world. His life was a complete failure. Well, according to everyone listening to his lecture, anyway. "Look, I'm telling you, aliens built the pyramids! Don't walk out on me, I'm not crazy!"

Then an old lady came up to him. She looked both ways, then asked "Do you want a job?"

"How much does it pay? What is it?" Daniel asked.

"It pays considerably less than minimum wage and it's tedious work decoding hieroglyphics for the Air Force." she replied.

"I'll take it. Even though I will regret it."

* * *

Colonel O'Neil (missing one l, the funny l of course) was about to shoot himself. However he missed and shot and killed his son, who is Tyler in the movie but Charlie in the TV show. His son, Tyler in the movie and Charlie in the TV show, took the bullet through the leg. He wouldn't have died if he didn't fall on the bucket of boiling oil in the corner of the room. Colonel O'Neil was going to kill himself because his son died of course, but it was a case of chicken or the egg because he only attempted it because his son died because he attempted it because- you get the picture.

Suddenly four air force guys (girls?) burst through the door.

"What the hell, you could've just knocked!" yelled O'Neill.

"That isn't Sam coming for you to cheat on me is it?" asked his wife Sara(h) from the kitchen.

"No, she's not even in this movie. I don't think so anyway." he yelled back.

"Hello, I'm Captain Samantha Carter. We need you back, sir."

"Crap."

"I'm gonna divorce you! First you kill our son and now you're dating Sam? I'll be gone tomorrow."

"Double crap."

* * *

"Wow these translations are something else, in a bad way, a very bad way. You see they probably relied on the work of... you aren't listening are you." The guard near the door seemed to stare right through Daniel. He was wearing an SGC patch on one arm.

The first line's translation read:

_Several million years (into the) sky Ra takes (can't read, either aim or some alien drug)_

Daniel translated it to:

_This goes (to) Abydos (for) sure, (and) probably other (places) too_

The second line read:

_Coffin Awww I don't feel so good, I think I'm going to... nevermind I did_

Daniel's translation was:

_Sealed (and) buried (because) we can't build (an) iris_

The final line had the translation:

_Star Trek_

Daniel scowled, crossed it out and chalked down _Stargate Command._ Then he decided he didn't like it, so he crossed out _Command_ and replaced it with _SG-1_. He looked at it for a few moments, then shortened it to _Stargate_.

"I've got it! I figured out what to call the movie!"

Sometime during the translation Carter had popped in. He he he... popped is such a funny word. Yes I know she's not supposed to be in the... oh nevermind. Everyone loves Sam so she's in.

"That's nice, but you were supposed figure out what to call the ring."

"How about Stargate?"

"Normally I don't like naming the thing the plot revolves around after the name of the movie, but I don't have any other ideas." She turned to the guard. "Do you?"

"No ma'am."

"Then it's settled. We'll call it the stargate!" said Daniel. "Now I have to deal with these glyphs."

The translation of the address symbols read:

_Ego operor non reputo is est a verus lingua is planto haud voluntas procul totus_

"Wait a minute... he didn't even translate it!"

Daniel translated it nearly instantly to:

_'A' missing a line, Crater, Virgo, Bootes, Centaurus, Libra, Serpens Caput, Norma, Scorpius, Scutum, Sagittarius, Aquila, Microscopium, Capricornus, Pisces Austrinus, Equulius, Aquarius, Pegasus, Sculptor, Pisces, Andromeda, Triangulum, Aries, Perseus, Cetus, Taurus, Auriga, Eridanus, Orion, Canis Minor, Monoceros, Gemini, Hydra, Lynx, Cancer, Sextans, Leo Minor, Leo_

"Hmmmm, this makes no sense! Wait, there's something familiar about this." Daniel puzzled for three hours before having a eureka moment and running through the halls screaming "I've got it!" He dashed into the briefing room where General West, General Hammond, and Colonel O'Neil were having a meeting. "I've got it, they're constellations!"

"Yeah, that's nice, but how does that help us?" asked Colonel O'Neill, who was also in the room.

"Hey, you're me, except with a smaller chin, and funny!" retorted Colonel O'Neil.

"Yeah, don't forget the extra 'l'. You know, the funny one."

"Oh, so I'm not funny! What about this: Give my regards to King Tut, asshole!"

"That's the lamest one-liner I've ever heard!"

"COLONEL!" Everyone, including Daniel, turned to look at Major Carter in the doorway. Yes, she got promoted. No, I don't know why. Ask General Hammond.

"What?" asked both O'Neil and O'Neill.

"You're not supposed to be here, Colonel, and neither am I. C'mon, let's go to the movie theater. They're showing Continuum."

O'Neil began to step towards Carter but was stopped by O'Neill's nasty look. That and the fact that O'Neill was carrying a loaded gun.

"Gentlemen, please take your seats again. We have a mission to plan." He paused for a very long time.

"Our objective is in Fallujah, Iraq..."

* * *

_Author's Notes:  
_Don't worry! Both Sam and Jack will be back! Oh yeah- whoever figures out what the original address glyph translation is gets a virtual cookie. Here's a hint in question form: Who built Atlantis?


	2. Preparations of the Final Sort

This chapter is kind of short, but I needed to get this part over with so I could move onto Abydos. I don't know why but I just can't write parodies like I used to be able to. Maybe I'm trying to get too canon or in-character. Just compare Fight For Freedom (Redwall) with either this or Fight For Freedom Ep1. Neither are as funny as FFF. I'm going to take a closer look at it and see what I can learn. But on with the story.

Suddenly O'Neill woke up. He was in his quarters. "Wow, that was a bad dream." he thought out loud. He showered, got dressed, and went to the briefing room.

"Gentlemen, it's time for the mission to Abydos. Don't ask me how I know that name. This was going to be a one-way trip, but Daniel thinks he can re-align the gate on the other side.

"You're probably all going to die, so we're going to fill you with antidepressants. That way at least you'll die happy!"

"Who is this guy?" Carter whispered to O'Neill.

"Give him a break. He's new," he whispered back.

"Your objective is to neutralize the threat. I don't know what it is, or even if there is one. We leave at 1200 hours. Dismissed!"

"That was the worst briefing I've ever heard," Carter said to O'Neill.

"I've heard worse," he replied. He headed towards the mess as Carter turned into the control room.

General West was in the control room.

"What happened to General Hammond?" asked Carter, eying him suspiciously.

"Oh don't worry, he'll be in the next one," said West. "We're about to send the probe, by the way." He turned to Walter. "Dial the gate."

Walter tapped his keyboard and the gate began to turn. The inner ring rotated to the first symbol. The topmost chevron slid down and back up as the first chevron lit up. "Chevron one encoded!" The ring turned again, to the second chevron, which locked itself into place. "Chevron two encoded." I could go on all day doing this, but instead I'll skip to the seventh chevron. It clicked into place. "Chevron seven locked! Oh by the way I hate this job so I quit."

Carter shrugged and took over his station, "Sending the MALP, I mean FRED. I've never heard of a MALP before. MALP en route. Tracking ... arrived. Receiving telemetry."

The screen showed a Stargate that was somewhat different. It had a bunch of symbols that were dots and lines and everything was lit up blue. Oh yes and there was no DHD.

"Daniel is gonna be so pissed."

* * *

"WHAT? THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE! IT BREAKS EVERY RULE OF STARGATE CONTINUITY EVER ESTABLISHED! WHAT THE HELL?! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DIAL THE DAMN THING?" After a short pause he said, "Don't worry I'll figure it out."

* * *

The team was getting assembled. Everything was ready. Operation Abydonian Freedom would be a success. Or so they thought anyway. The team consisted of:

Colonel Jack O'Neil

Colonel Jack O'Neill

Major Samantha Carter

Dr. Daniel Jackson

Random Soldiers 11, 15, 22, 23, 45, 46, 47, and 52

"Chevron seven locked!" yelled Walter, who rejoined because he couldn't find any other job which was compatible with his skill set. The team headed off through the gate with the FRLP in tow.

Anyone who identifies what I based the Abydos gate on gets a virtual cookie.  
DISCLAIMER: No actual virtual cookies will be given out to anyone.

Please review, it'll make my stories better.

Next chapter will be both longer and funnier.  
Next Chapter: To Abydos We Go... Oh Wait We're Already Here


	3. We're Already Here

Sorry it's been so long, I've been busy. Well not really, I just forgot about this story. I'm going to be alternating updates between this and 200:Missing Scenes.

I haven't seen the Stargate movie in ages, mostly I've been guessing at the plot and using the very-summarized Wikipedia entry.

* * *

"I can't do it!"  
"Oh that's just great. Now we're stuck on some craphole alien rock with no civilization within a thousand miles," replied O'Neill.  
"I'm going to go set up a nuke- I mean use the washroom," said O'Neil, leaving.  
"Have fun. And try not to get lost."  
In fact, O'Neil did just that. He spent half an hour looking for a washroom, found one, then realized he had to find the nuke and spent another half an hour finding it.

* * *

"So, you carried all of that... stuff here on your backs?" O'neill asked, looking at the huge concrete bunker the team had erected. "I mean, it's really nice, but..."  
O'Neil and O'Neill walked into the nice air-conditioned lobby of the bunker as O'Neil started to think of some watered-down semblance of an O'Neill joke.  
"It's too big," replied O'Neil, startling everyone, "It's just a big target."  
"You know, there's a reason all the fans like me better!" retorted O'Neill.  
O'Neil went into fetal position and cried. "snif snif, it's true, the fans hate me because I'm an uptight asshole with no sense of humour, that's the real reason I wanted to kill myself"  
"Now now, you're not that bad, it's just that your character sucked, because the original people who made the movie are idiots. So is the author of this, by the way, because I wanted to jump right into the SG1 parody." said O'Neill rather bluntly.  
"You know, I really don't see how the author is going to get to that. Between the 200: Missing Scenes story, and the complete rewrite of seasons 7-10 and Atlantis, he's not going to have time. Plus there's that AU that's rumoured to be in the works." said Daniel, appearing out of nowhere for effect, as opposed to just being there the whole time. He wasn't, trust me. He popped out of nowhere. He definitely did not use the door.  
"Oh yeah, that one where I get to be a CIA analyst in a space version of the Cold War. Fun stuff." interjectificated Sam, you guessed it- appearing out of nowhere!  
O'Neil, who was now no longer in fetal position and had stopped crying, forcefully ordered them to move out.  


* * *

"Welcome to Abydos. You must be travellers from a great distance. Come inside, I will give you food."  
O'Neill smacked Daniel with some random object. "Would you stop saying random things in gibberish, it's really annoying."  
"It's not gibberish, it's a traditional Arabic travellers greeting."  
"It's all Greek to me!" said O'Neill, throwing his arms up.  
"Actually, no, Greek is considerably different, though there are some similarities, Greak is something else entirely."  
O'Neil inturrupted them both. "Hey look a town. Looks Egyptian."  
"Finally! I've been walking around in a desert for hours now! Why couldn't they give us a Humvee, it would have fit through the gate. Oh man I can feel the plot building already!" said O'Neill in giddy excitement.  
"One of these days we should all go on a reality show. That would be great. And maybe," said Sam in a romantic tone, "we could finally get it on. Away from that bitch wife of yours."  
"HEY! Sara(h) is not a bitch, just a really generic wife that appears in one episode and doesn't do anything, has largely been forgotten by season 3, and serves to do nothing but prevent out romantic relationship from going forward. What a bitch!" retorted O'Neill.  
"Hello travellers. I am Skaara, mysterious Egyptian person which somehow got on this planet and somehow speaks English."  
"Oh hi. I'm Jack O'Neill, USAF Colonel who for no reason likes you a lot."  
"Guys, there is a perfectly logical explanation. Skaara's ancestors were brought by Ra, a fake god, and you like him because he reminds you of Charler, um I mean Tylie." stated O'Neil.  
"And he speaks English... how?" asked O'Neill.  
Then Skaara inturrupted, "Welcome to Abydos, nearest planet to Earth with stargate, or furthest if you read the measurements backwards. Come into our villiage."  
"So that's why they thought this planet was in another galaxy." said O'Neill.  
"It is! At least according to MY continuity!" retorted O'Neil, who was suddenly angry.  
"Then why didn't we need a ZPM?" re-retorted O'Neill.  
"Because they don't exist yet!" re-re-retorted O'Neil.

* * *

While everyone else was partying with the locals, Daniel decided to explore for no real reason. Because he is curious to the point of stupidity, he decided to check out some unstable underground catacombs first. On the way he bumped into Sha're, who would later become a big romantic relationship. But right now she just smiled and for no real reason Jackson decided he liked her. But he had pointless digging to do.

Inside the catacombs he found a big wall with a mural and a bunch of hieroglyphs. He translated one line to:

_OMGWTFBBQ Ra is not a god he just stol humuns frm erth end tok them heere aftr thy baried teh gate._

* * *

And that's one more chapter! Lots more references, and random humour. Maybe I've got my parody mojo back.


End file.
